Scattered thoughts and fears about a big life change

The most quotidian update

I have some personal news that I have been wanting to share but also not wanting to share on the internet.

I feel like this update should come with a trigger warning if you are TTC (IYKNK).

Rachel Katz

recently wrote a beautiful piece on how hard this process can be.

When we started trying, social media was cruel. For some reason, I got served nothing but pregnancy announcements from people I went to high school with and haven’t spoken to in 10+ years. People whose content I had never seen before. Why was I being shown this content now? When these strangers had something I wanted but didn’t have? Social media felt hostile.

I am just over halfway done cooking this little bean and so far it has been 0% fun - would not recommend. I hear it’s worth it though.

Here’s an entry I wrote on 3/12/24 called “Halfway/List of Complaints”

Yesterday marked exactly 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway done making this little boy. It also marked the first time I’ve thrown up in almost 3 weeks. I had made it 18 days since throwing up on February 21st. I started taking half of a Unisom pill with B6 every night after the 21st. We left for Mexico a week later and I felt much better! I didn’t have to take any meds! I thought that the vomiting was over! Then I came back to Bend last week and my symptoms returned with a vengeance. Truthfully, I hate being pregnant.

I hate everything about it. Including:

• The constant nausea and vomit drama¹

• The metallic taste in my mouth that won’t go away no matter what I do or eat.

• The bloody noses.

• The lump of mucus at the back of my throat.

• The congestion that makes it impossible to breathe out of my nose at night.

• The dry mouth that I wake up with.

• I can’t brush my teeth without throwing up so I have stopped brushing my teeth.

• The physical discomfort of having a large belly:

  • Sleeping has been a struggle. It is so hard to get comfortable. I sleep on my back which is frowned upon in pregnancy.

  • My changing body makes fitting into my clothes stressful. I have also always struggled with my body image so gaining weight sucks.

• Having to take Unisom (which is a sleep aid) to quell the nausea, which makes me sleep all day.

• The lack of energy and desire to exercise.

• My insane sense of smell. I detest the smell of new laundry detergent, which has poisoned all of my clothes against me.

• The fact that no one can tell that I’m pregnant*

• All of the limitations - caffeine, raw fish, deli meat. I still consume these things because I read (most of) “Expecting Better,” which debunks a lot of these pregnancy rules. But I still feel guilty - what if there’s something wrong with the baby because I ate sushi?

• The amount of stuff I am supposed to buy. It all feels so wasteful.

• The fact that nothing in my partner’s life has changed but the last 20 weeks of my life have sucked.

• The fact that only 10-20% of women experience morning sickness this far into their pregnancy.

• The fact that 2/3 of women never throw up during pregnancy!!

• The fear of gestational diabetes.

• Worrying that I am not eating the right foods to nourish baby boy. Every pregnancy book stresses the importance of nutrition and healthy eating has always been hard for me!

*I decided not to tell anyone about my pregnancy until I was done with the first trimester. I regret this decision because the first trimester is when you need support! I wanted to be “strong” (and felt attacked and seen when reading the opening lines of

Anne Helen Petersen

’s recent article “The Dark Heart of Individualism”) My friend who had a kid a year ago didn’t tell me she was pregnant until after her first trimester so I figured, “If she kept it a secret, I should too.” But I felt like I was completely betraying my authentic self. I don’t do things just because it’s how others do! This whole schick of this blog is about authenticity and vulnerability! I felt like I was keeping this huge secret. I don’t think I’m required to share about this publicly but I do feel sad that I didn’t tell my friends.

—

I have been trying to change my mindset and be more positive. I am sick of complaining! This article recommended cultivating a gratitude journaling practice (this is what everyone recommends about anything in life and it’s just so BLERG).

So I tried to find books with pregnancy journal prompts to help me feel inspired. This led to me downloading “Write Through Your Pregnancy: Journal Writing Prompts for Expectant Mothers.”

The author wrote this in the introduction:

The main reason this book popped into existence was because I was recently pregnant with my third child. Ultrasounds showed that she was also girl number three. However they also showed that she was missing the digits on her right hand. When she was born I found out she is actually missing her right hand and wrist entirely. She has tiny little boneless stubs where her hand would have been, had it developed. I may already have had two daughters but I am learning that you never know what to expect. Each pregnancy, birth and child is different. I spent the second half of my pregnancy worrying about my daughter’s future. Needless to say it stressed me out a bit and since writing really is my therapy; this book was born.

!!! I have my in-depth anatomy scan on Thursday (I was going to wait to post this until after the appointment) and I was SO looking forward to it and now I am afraid my baby will be missing a hand! It seems like every time I try to change my mindset, I uncover more to worry about!

—

I feel like an ungrateful wench when people ask how it’s going and I say, “BAD!” I am elated to be pregnant but could do without the physical act of being pregnant. I feel like no one talks about how much pregnancy sucks! I can’t find any relatable content about it besides on Reddit.

Last night, I googled “memoir on disliking pregnancy” and found an article called “Whitney Port loves her baby — but hates her pregnancy” and I felt so seen! So naturally, last night I binged 20 episodes of her YouTube series, “I Love My Baby, But...” (Don’t worry the episodes are pretty short!) Port is actually the reason I’m feeling brave enough to post this. Her videos are delightful and candid! I also listened to a few of her podcast episodes this morning. This episode about one of her miscarriages (unfortunately she has had more than one) was so honest and admirable.

In an earlier post, I blamed my lack of creative output on seasonal depression but honestly, I blame this little gremlin growing inside of me. It feels like he is leeching so much from me (and he truly is). I sleep so much and have no desire to write. I used to write every day and the words just poured out of me! Now I avoid my laptop and melt into the couch.

I also feel exactly like

Holly Whitaker

and overthink every time I post on this silly little blog:

This is a mediocre newsletter with some thoughts I’ve been having that I’m publishing after allowing myself a few hours to write it. I’m doing this to rip the bandaid off. I have a story going on over here that because I haven’t published for a while I need to come back with the most epic, best essay you’ve ever read to make up for my shittiness. Instead of that I’m dropping a few thoughts of what I’m thinking about right now, just to get back to it, and the most epic, best essay you’ve ever read to make up for my shittiness will come later.

—

Another reason I haven’t wanted to write about this is because I find parenthood/motherhood content boring. I’m sure this will change once I become a parent but I don’t want to be boring!

Having a child feels so…basic. Kelton Wright nails how I feel:

If I posted I was pregnant with a photo and a caption, everyone who had ever known me would roll me over into the category of mom, with all its cultural baggage. Everyone who’d ever worked with me, dated me, hated me, lusted after me, got shitfaced with me, sailed with me, biked with me, danced with me, or argued with me would now feel like they knew something about me — that I wanted a family. How pedestrian.

—

This feels anti-feminist to say, but the writers who are moms and write about motherhood (that I follow), all seem to be full of complaints. Motherhood = suffering. Is there any way to do motherhood differently? So it doesn’t all turn into a boiling vat of resentment? I get that our society does not value women or domestic labor but are any women with children thriving?

I love Haley Nahman but her first post after having a child was painful to read. “Perineal tear, urethral prolapse, sciatica, hemorrhoids, nipple trauma, milk clogs, sleep loss, hormonal apocalypse” - it reads like the pain Olympics, full of fear-mongering! Or am I just ignorant to the fact that there is no way to sugarcoat early motherhood and it will always be brutal?

—

I also don’t want my friendships to change. I can’t stop thinking about Allison P. Davis’s article, “Why can't friendships survive babies?”

How do friendships survive when one has kids and the other does not? Anne Helen Petersen does not have kids and writes about this well.

How to Show Up For Your Friends Without Kids — and How to Show Up For Kids and Their Parents

How to Kid-Proof Your Friendship

But it still feels to me that the friend without kids gets the short end of the stick.

Here is an excerpt from an entry I wrote on 11/21/22 about a friend of mine who was pregnant. Interestingly, I found out I was pregnant exactly one year later:

I am afraid of my friend having a child because it will mark the end of our friendship. We will never be able to hang out and not discuss this child. Honestly, I don’t want to discuss this child. I have absolutely no interest in this child. That’s not entirely true. I care about my friend and thus I care about her child.

But babies aren’t interesting to me. That feels so immature to say. Babies are boring! But they are - I am not ready to resign myself to discussing diaper changes and lack of sleep. I get that this is what having a baby entails but since I do not have a baby, why do I have to focus on these things?

I worry that having a child is about creating meaning in your life without doing anything meaningful. It’s like a short cut. You feel worthless? Have sex and create life and then dedicate yourself to this life and call it a day. You can feel validated that your existence was worth it because it resulted in this life. You can stop pretending that you will do anything to better society. You can pass all of your failed hopes and dreams onto this life you created. And if this child ends up being a remotely good person, you can feel like a successful person. You will have succeeded and your life will have had meaning.

I get that you grow as a person by becoming a parent. But I can’t help but feel that you stop growing inwardly. You are only focused on the child. Once you have a child, you stop doing the internal work to better yourself. You can become a martyr. You have a cop out. There’s no time to work on yourself, you have to put food on the table for this tiny being that you created!

I guess I feel annoyed because you brought this on yourself. I hate admitting this but I think maternity leave is completely unfair. You decide you want to procreate so we must pay you for this choice? But I have to continue to work? You get paid time off but I do not because you decided that the world needed a tiny version of you? It’s absurd.

I debated deleting that last bit about maternity leave. I know that’s a hot take and I in no way think women should be punished for having children. It feels especially sticky for me since I quit my job and do not have paid maternity leave. This was my choice but I feel very bad about it. I gave 10 years to corporate America and I walked away before being able to stick it to the man and get my work to pay for me to have a baby! What was I thinking? This is another issue for another time but since this post is a hodgepodge, I will admit that quitting my job felt incredibly selfish and harmful to my unborn children. It’s important to note that I quit a year before trying to have a child! Why (still!) can’t I untangle the baggage of a paycheck? Choosing to quit felt like leaving money on the table that SHOULD have been used to provide for my future children.

—

One of my favorite bloggers, Thomas, wrote about their experience with society’s childfree stigma. This resulted in me listening to “The Childfree Girls Podcast” and resonating with the episode “Your Children Are Boring and Other Musings with Tom James.”

Must add to my TBR list

Thomas’s post inspired me to write this comment:

Hi Thomas,

I found your work on goodreads and I love your blog! I’m glad this podcast made you feel less alone. I think that’s what draws us to any form of story (written, verbal or visual) – to connect about our shared humanity and feel less alone. I have always wanted children (in theory/at some point in the future – I am not currently pursuing having children) but I am obsessed with stories of women who did not have children. The redemptive arc of women’s lives in media most always results from becoming a mother. Childless women are painted as “witchy spinsters.” I read the memoir “No One Tells You This” (because of your review) and enjoyed it. However, I still feel like this topic has not been explored enough in mainstream media. Do you have other recommendations? I am now on a childfree podcast binge as well. 

I still feel that I want to have children. I don’t know when I’ll ever feel ready to try and I worry so much about losing my identity. I’m a female and I know I will do more of the work because we live in a white patriarchal society and although I love my husband – he is still a product of this environment. 
I also have so much growing to to – I want to know myself deeply before focusing on another life. I hate the view that not having kids is selfish. Having children is the most selfish act in my opinion!! I feel that people have children as a way to bypass learning who they really are. Instead of looking themselves in the mirror, these people project and live through their children. 
Thank you for your vulnerability! You inspire me to (one day) want to share my own blog publicly! 

Best, 
Kendall

Shortly after I wrote this comment, I posted my first public blog post (how cute)! I also think it’s interesting that my first podcast episode was all about parenthood ambivalence.

I was sharing my concerns with a friend and she said “What I crave is examples from women with different ways that motherhood can look and feel.”

I’ve always craved alternative narratives.

From my “7/7/22 - Sharing Stories to Feel Less Alone” journal entry:

I just finished the memoir, “No One Tells You This” by Glynnis MacNicol and I really enjoyed it despite not being into it in the beginning. At first, it was all about her dilemma of finding a partner and whether of not she wants kids. I thought it would be very similar to other memoirs like “What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding,” “Thanks For Waiting,” and “You’ll Grow Out of It.” All of these tell the stories of women who spend their 30s single instead of settling down and starting a family. But what I found especially irritating about these memoirs is that in the end they all ended up settling down and starting a family, just now they struggled with IVF because they had waited so long. So I was preparing to read another similar story. But this memoir was different. She didn’t end up with a husband and then go through IVF. She ends up single and still enjoying her life! Love it. In that sense, the book also reminded me a bit of “Buy Yourself The F*cking Lilies,” which I also enjoyed.

MacNicol wrote the book because she couldn’t find any stories in today’s world that mirrored her experience. And that’s why I am deciding to put pen to paper – because I don’t feel like I am finding my experience when I look online.

Who do you feel is writing about motherhood (or being childfree) well in a way that resonates with you? I’d love to know!

Thanks for reading! I know this one was kind of a long rant but it feels good to finally air some of these thoughts.

1. From my “2/6/24 - Vomit Drama” entry: Yesterday marked 15 weeks pregnant, indisputably the second trimester. (I had been unable to get a straight answer from the internet - no surprise - about how long the first trimester is. Is it 12 weeks? 13? 14?) I started throwing up on January 11th (almost 4 weeks ago) and have been throwing up every few days ever since. I usually throw up in the morning and when I throw up, I have “vomit drama.” What is vomit drama? Vomit drama is when you throw up in the morning and you let it ruin your whole day. You pout on the couch because your throat hurts and the taste of bile refuses to leave your mouth, no matter what you do. You throw up nonstop for what feels like 5 minutes, which hurts your abs, and causes you to pee yourself and cry. So you sit next to the toilet for a few minutes and feel sorry for yourself. Then you complain about throwing up for the rest of the day. I hate vomit drama. I am sick of vomit drama. But I can’t seem to stop.