Dear Baby / A Rich Life
Therapists always try to nail down when my “I will never be good enough” complex began. Ever since I discovered a letter my dad wrote me after I received my first report card, I’ve pointed to that moment. But I don’t know if it’s fair to blame my dad. I’ve always been an anxious little bean.
The night before I started first grade, I lost my two front teeth. Isn’t that adorable? That’s how my parents tell the story. But I distinctly remember staring at myself in my parents’ bathroom and yanking out each tooth - neither of which was remotely loose. My teeth didn’t grow back for years.
I’m now in grad school to become a counselor (which is NOT going well - thanks for asking) but I can’t for the life of me diagnose why I did this. I remember showing my parents after I yanked out the first tooth. Then a few minutes later when I yanked out the second. I don’t remember them being concerned. But when I think back on this moment, it feels concerning. It seems related to trichotillomania. Why was I so anxious?!
My due date is a week from today. I know I’m going to fuck this kid up. It’s inevitable. I’ve started working on his baby book. I had grand ideas about the letters I would write him but I’ve only written one. It’s a list of “Non-Negotiables” if you will (though I think “The Bear” Season 3 was trash). It’s essentially a list of all the things I wish my parents would have said/would say to me.
I’ve always been obsessed with money.1 I’m reading “Taking Stock” (because
interviewed the author on her podcast, ) and I love the way Dr. Jordan Grumet describes how it’s easier to focus on money instead of the “squishy stuff”:Concentrating on money is easy because it’s quantifiable. It can be measured and monitored. The yardsticks are simple and the solutions straightforward: work longer, start a side hustle, invest more aggressively. Concrete questions with simple answers are more appealing than contemplating the ephemeral issues of purpose and identity. Unlike the dying, we have so much more time to consider such things. To see through the money mind meld is to realize that life is finite—to come to terms with the fact that we may die and not accomplish our true goals.
It’s incredibly uncomfortable to do that.
One of my favorite podcasts is Ramit Sethi’s “I Will Teach You to be Rich.” Nothing makes me more smug! I am constantly floored by the lack of savings people have! It’s honestly so frightening but makes perfect sense because all everyone wants is to keep up with the Jones’! But I always pause when Sethi asks people to describe their “rich life.” I turn to my husband and find it surprising when he describes his rich life - it’s not the same as mine! It feels a little disingenuous but I honestly think the life I have is my rich life.2
I want to work. I do not enjoy not working. Well, I love parts of it, but ultimately, I do not feel like I am contributing to society and that feeling keeps me up at night.3 I want to do work that I find meaningful. I want to help people!
I want to live in a beautiful place where I can be in nature all the time.
I want a family of my own.
I want to travel as much as I want (although I would like to always fly first class)
I want to buy whatever I want and not worry about how much it costs. (This sounds like I am trying to keep up with the Jones’ but actually spending money on nice things is super hard for me)
I guess what I’m saying is - I love my little life! Sethi would probably say the list above is not specific enough but oh well.
What does your rich life look like?
Is it because my parents never told me they loved me unconditionally?
To this, my husband says “then you need to dream bigger.”
I discovered the concept of “coast fire” (again from Build A Wealthy Spirit Podcast) and felt immediate relief! I don’t have to earn as much as I used to! I can earn enough to cover my annual expenses and never touch my investments! I don’t have to sell my soul to corporate overlords to live!
So glad you are being intentional about how you want to raise your child and reflecting on your childhood as well! It's great too to read about how you can be someone who thinks about money (which I don't too much which has both its pros and cons) and also is self-aware about how money can be a substitute for thinking about other deeper things. I hope all goes/has gone well with your baby (:
I am MORTIFIED that you did this to your teeth! That sounds so intense? Did it hurt? Holy shit.
I'm so excited for you to become a mother and am delighted to know that you'll be raising a child who has the nurturing he needs to love himself.
My rich life I am essentially living now...unemployed, music composition/rehearsal 5 days a week, rollerblading/the gym, hiking, however, Boulder is not as romantic, quiet, or moving as Bishop. But it does have 10x more opportunities... (Notice there is no aerial in this description, I am on a "break...")
I also DO NOT want to "work" but it seems that regardless, I work tirelessly on the projects I am inspired by and create endlessly and have a deep desire to meaningfully impact this beautiful planet that is our home, the beings who live here, the human family.
ALSO I started a somatic stress release program and also I think I am one of the most stressed people I know for some reason.