Three months ago, I took Ellen Santasiero’s online writing workshop through my local library called “Tying the Knot: Committing to Your Writing.” She asked us to write our ideal writing life in the present tense.
Here is what I came up with:
I write every weekday
I wake up between 5-6 am every morning
I write my 3 morning pages
I meditate for 10 minutes
I exercise for 1 hour (a run through the park or yoga)
I write for an hour at 9 or 10 am
I am in my studio, which is in my backyard and filled with lots of natural life
I am drinking a warm beverage
My dog is at my feet
I can hear the birds chirping
I’m dressed in cozy but cute clothes (not just the same sweats I wear currently)
Sounds delightful! We briefly broke into small groups and shared our visions with one another. I couldn’t help but compare myself as I listened to another participant share her vision. Her description was so beautiful and expansive! It made my list seem limited and militant. Even when I try to think expansively I am still small! Why!?
Next, we tackled our limiting beliefs by thinking of turnarounds and strategies to overcome them.
Here are mine:
Limiting belief: You don’t deserve a studio. You are not a real writer because you are not talented.
Turnaround: You are talented and deserve a lovely space to write in.
Strategy: I put artwork in my office to make it more inviting.
Your life will never look light and bright like a Pinterest photo because you are not a real adult. You are a mess. You are not beautiful, graceful, or stylish. You are a lazy slob.
You are not a lazy slob. You are a wonderful person. You look exactly how you are supposed to look.
I hang up clothes that I like in my closet. I buy nice clothes.
You won’t have time because you need a job. You are a loser with no job. You have to get a job and it will be from 9-5 so you won’t have time to write.
You are not a loser. You have a lot to offer. Wherever you CHOOSE to work will be lucky to have you.
I am kind to myself. I deserve a life free of self-harm.
Reading my limiting beliefs, turnarounds and strategies aloud made me want to set myself on fire.
My limiting beliefs, that I am a talentless lazy slob/loser, made me very sad. I think it was my new therapist who pointed out that the way that I speak to myself, how I berate myself, is self-harm.
This framing was new to me. Until she said this, I had narrowly defined self-harm to only include physical acts, like cutting. I knew my internal monologue was abusive on some level but it felt radical to say that it was self-harm.
If perfect is the goal, anything less than perfection feels like failure.
I’m trying to get back into bullet journaling and life logging—since the summer seemed to slip through my fingers and I’m not sure how—in a way that feels less oppressive than it has felt in the past. But even earlier today, I wrote “trying to write and failing.” I crossed out failing and wrote “finding it difficult to focus.” I’m practicing being non-judgemental, a DBT concept.
Yesterday I went to a workshop reunion, where we met 3 months later to discuss how our vision, turnarounds (to limiting beliefs), and strategies have been working (or not working). Four of us showed up and we all lamented the fact that we hadn’t written as much as we had hoped to this summer. We talked about how Steven Pressfield uses the term “resistance” instead of laziness. Everyone has resistance, you just need a plan of attack to combat it.
In order to defeat Resistance, the artist must begin to think like a professional. Amateurs pursue art as a hobby and only work when they feel like it. Professionals are dedicated to working no matter whether they feel inspired or not. Professionals are not devastated by criticisms or setbacks, because they separate their personal feelings from the work.
To overcome Resistance, the main thing an artist needs to do is to sit down to work. Once the artist begins to work, spiritual forces will come to his or her aid. The universe wants to bring art into the world. Creating art helps shift the artist’s consciousness from the inward-turning Ego and outwards to the spiritual, fuller Self. Overcoming Resistance through artistic creation is also, therefore, a path to spiritual growth.
Did it take me all day to write this 1,000-word post (that includes quotes)? You betcha!
“Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.” –Steven Pressfield
Related (and better written): ''How Do You Know When Your Art Is Good?' by
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Unrelated tidbits I feel like sharing:
Today I start End of Life Doula Training! I will probably be writing about death more!
Break The Stigma: My Journey as a College "Dropout" + Battling Chronic Hepatitis C - I recently discovered Emily Feikls and her podcast, “Let’s Thrive” and she GETS IT. I think she is only 20 but she is so wise and authentic! I’m trying to figure out how to contact her but she is a whippersnapper who only uses Instagram and I am too weakwilled to use that app.
#TradWife Life as Self-Annihilation by
/ I feel like I’m always ruminating on the role of “mother” and this too makes me want to set myself on fire.Ask me anything: When I discover a new blog or podcast, I want to know EVERYTHING about the creator. Does anyone else feel this way? If you have a question for me, you can fill out an anonymous form here.
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Hmmmm you have given me lots to think about Kendall. Well written!
I happen to know someone else studying end-of-life doula-ship in Bend! You know Derek?
Also you might like The Inner Game of Tennis. Could help give you strategies to tame your self-harming if mind.