My Mind & Me
A new appreciation for Selena Gomez
I’ve been thinking a lot about Selena Gomez lately, words I never expected myself to say. A Youtuber I love, Katherout, mentioned in one of her videos that Gomez looked really bad in her Apple TV documentary, “My Mind and Me,” so I was intrigued.
Katherout was specifically talking about a scene where Gomez comes across as undeniably cringey. Gomez is in Kenya visiting a (now defunct, conspiracy-laden) charity. A female student expresses how lucky she is to go to school instead of being forced into marriage and all Gomez cares about is whether this girl has a boyfriend.
[Kenyan student] For me, I grew up in a family of eight, like my mom and dad have eight kids. My mom told me that they want me to be married off, but, at some point, they said that, "Since you got a school where you got a scholarship to go and learn, there's no need for us." For them, they don't pay any fee. So they told me I'm not going to be married off.
[Gomez] Do you believe in love?
!!! How could she have watched this scene and not cut it out?! I thought I read that she was an executive producer!
You almost can’t even blame Gomez for her response. Not long after the film has begun, Gomez acknowledges what many, myself included, have thought all along about her: she is only famous by association, mainly with Justin Bieber.
[Interscope Records CEO John Janick] called me this morning about the song with Justin, and I was like…when am I gonna be good just by myself? Not needing anybody to be associated with?”
At first, it’s hard to pin down what is the goal of the documentary. It begins by showing Gomez preparing for her 2016 Revival Tour. Apparently, the film was supposed to be a promotional concert piece before Gomez’s exhaustion and then-undiagnosed mental disorder led to the tour’s cancellation.
It’s immediately clear that Gomez wants her tour to rival those of Beyonce and Taylor Swift’s stadium tours. However, it’s also painfully clear that Gomez is not Beyonce or Taylor Swift. Can you imagine how hard it must be to be Selena Gomez? I mean that sincerely. I find it absolutely impossible to perform knowing that others are far more talented than me. Why even bother? I related to her so deeply when she broke down after rehearsal and gave voice to her inner critic.
“There’s a voice that comes in my head that says, ‘You miss this. That sucked. That sucked. Oh, you get a glimpse of yourself on the screen — wow, that looks pretty f—in’ s—ty,” she says. “It just sucks the life out of me, and I don’t want to perform. The pressure is just overwhelming.”
I found it difficult to follow the timeline in the documentary. After briefly glimpsing 2016, we move quickly to 2019. We learn that Gomez has since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, supposedly this occurred sometime in 2018.
Gomez opens the film by saying, “Let me make a promise. I'll only tell you my darkest secrets,” but as the credits rolled, I didn’t feel like she told us very much.
Why then, have I been thinking so much about Selena Gomez?
I think I see what she was trying to do and I admire it. The film is a portrayal of the dialectic. She has everything she ever wanted and she still feels empty inside. The movie doesn’t end with a neat bow. It’s not particularly redemptive or endearing. Perhaps that’s why she included the scene with the Kenyan students. She isn’t concerned with creating a PR puff piece. She is sharing her human experience with the world, which is brave.
This made me realize that I’m treating quitting my job exactly how I treated quitting alcohol: as something to be ashamed of. I am only now starting to share my sobriety experience, almost 10 years after my journey began. It feels excruciatingly vulnerable to share a story while it is unfolding. Time creates safety. You aren’t as close to the emotions that once held so much power over you. There’s no wisdom to infuse. You are in the muck.
I read a Goodreads review of a memoir (that I haven’t even read) stating that people should not write memoirs until years have passed. You can’t write a good memoir while you’re in it.
I often find that memoirs are at their weakest when they are about something recent, about something that a person has not really found distance from yet. And I think that's true here. But I will say that I don't think any of that invalidates the value of the memoir. I have certainly read books where I thought, "You should have put this in a drawer and come back in ten years."
I think of this review every time I sit down to write. Only after looking for this quote did I see that the reviewer also writes “But I will say that I don't think any of that invalidates the value of the memoir.” Notice the dialectic! I conveniently removed that part from my memory and only focused on the negative.
[Gomez] One of my goals in life... I've had this in my mind for seven years, is to create a bill…where it is required to have a therapy class in elementary school on to high school…When you're a kid and you're in kindergarten, they ask you how you're feeling. There's a smiley face or sad face, and they're learning emotions, and that's amazing, but then why would we not continue to talk about that? Feelings only get more complicated…it gets harder to navigate…
[Charity member] What's holding you back from doing it?
[Gomez] That I'm not able to. That I'm not capable. You know, I'm not good enough. I don't know. That's something that I've felt a lot of growing up.
[Charity member] But it's the very thing that makes you feel that, is why you can relate to others. So it's the exact reason why you are the perfect person.
[Gomez] The truth is, I've never felt good enough. Even when I'm on stage and in front of a crowd, I'll always find the one person who doesn't like me, and I believe them. I wanna believe in myself.
Same, Selena, same. Also, what a fantastic idea for a bill!1
One poignant scene shows Selena drafting her public announcement of her bipolar diagnosis. Her team is openly trying to dissuade her from sharing this.
[Gomez] I think we are better when we tell the truth, so again, and I'm telling my truth."
"I was suffering mentally and emotionally, and I wasn't able to stay all buttoned up and together. I felt as though all of my pain, anxiety, fear washed over me all at once, and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. "It was the day that... That I found out I was bipolar."
[PR person] No one thinks that you need to say you're bipolar. You're 27 years old and you have a lifetime to tell the world that exact thing, unless you are determined that now's the time that you want it out. No one's against it. It's just that that becomes the narrative, right there. And I'm sure that means, like...
[Gomez] What? Like, certain people or directors or something may not wanna work with me? But then why would I wanna work with them anyway?
[PR person] True. Whatever you think.
[Gomez] I think I'm gonna say it.
I get where the PR team is coming from, that her mental illness will dominate the headlines. I also understand the notion that she is young and has a lifetime to craft her narrative. Our society wants a success story. We love the hero’s journey. It’s unnerving to see the shitty first draft when we don’t know how it will end.
When I started writing, I felt in complete alignment with this review:
You can’t escape the feeling that had she not gotten Barney, had she not gotten Disney, Gomez would be a much happier, if significantly poorer, woman right now doing charitable work and helping others. Miss Americana shows a woman called to music, music that sometimes helps people. My Mind & Me shows a woman called to help, constantly distracted by the need to make music.
I am a woman called to help, constantly distracted by the need to make money. I think mental health and climate change are the two most pressing issues in our world. I want to help. I want to be a therapist. When I told my brother this, his response was “But you’re a judgemental person.”
I'll always find the one person who doesn't like me and I believe them. I wanna believe in myself.
If you don’t want to watch the documentary, I won’t judge. But I do recommend that you read this Rolling Stone interview, which exactly captures how the film made me feel.
There’s some tension there because obviously she’s trying to be an example for others, but she’s still not on the other side of it, so to speak.”
Gomez knows that there’s really no “other side.”
After writing this, I realize I watched the documentary because I wanted an explanation. Why is her fame so much larger than her musical talent? I completely missed the point. The point isn’t to pit her against Taylor Swift.
The documentary wasn’t about her talent, singing or acting. It was about her humanity, something that women are so often robbed of. The Hollywood machine tried to eat her and spit her out, just like they did with Britney Spears. By releasing, “My Mind & Me,” Gomez is taking her agency back.
As Heather Havrilesky said in this wonderful piece, “IT’S YOUR JOB TO SEE YOURSELF CLEARLY.” That’s exactly what Selena Gomez is doing.
“Feel the full brunt of your despair so that you can feel the full force of your joy. Stop trivializing your feelings and treating your lack of passion like it’s a side effect of your toxicity. Your emotions are not moral failures. Your desires are not moral failures. Look at how broken our world is, that you could be convinced of this!”
Selena helped me see that emotions are not moral failures and for that I am eternally grateful.
The film ends with photos of Selena in 2022 at a summit at the White House, where she spoke with Biden about implementing the bill about mental health. I tried to research if this bill has gotten any traction and couldn’t find anything, which is frustrating!! Does this bill exist? Per the Rolling Stone article, “She started the Rare Impact Fund, whose goal is to raise $100 million to do such things as provide a mental-health curriculum in American schools and combat the stigma against mental illness that can keep people from seeking help.” I need Jessica DeFino to dissect how problematic it is that Gomez is using her beauty brand as the vehicle for her mental health campaign.