Last week, I ran into 3 guys I went to middle school with. My middle school is split between districts so I didn’t go to high school with these people. This means I was 13 the last time I saw them in person. I think I am friends with them on Facebook but no one uses Facebook.
I was at a concert with my husband. We were given free tickets and arrived just after the opener had finished. We were walking around looking for a place to watch the show when I made quick eye contact with a guy that looked familiar. Did I go to middle school with him? I think so. Should I say something?
This is not my first time running into people from my past. A few years ago at another concert, I made eye contact with a girl from high school. I immediately looked away but just as I did, she yelled “Hi!” and waved. But I had already committed to my split decision of pretending we hadn’t just made eye contact so I didn’t say hello back. This moment HAUNTS ME. How could I have been so rude? Why was I not more sociable? Why can’t I just acknowledge people from my past without acting like I have never spoken to another human soul before? From this moment on, I told myself that I would not chicken out when I saw familiar faces, I would SAY HELLO DAMNIT!
However, this time I once again committed to my lizard brain’s decision to ignore the eye contact. Unfortunately for me, this man from middle school is not socially impaired and he walked right over to us. THE NERVE! He was like, “Hey I know you!” and reintroduced himself. It was very normal and pleasant. He walked away and I spent the rest of the concert berating myself for being such a loser.
My husband is always shocked by how much I hold onto my middle school self-perception. Recently I saw a stat going around on Twitter saying something like half the population doesn’t have an internal monologue. I have become convinced that my husband is one of these lucky folks. He just moves on after things happen! He does not ruminate about the fact that no one wanted to dance with him at cotillion (YES my middle school had cotillion - what century was this!?) He is not constantly stewing about whether he said the right thing when the barista asked “How’s it going?” He is just living. He is not trapped by his thoughts! What a world!
I assumed everyone secretly harbored this fantasy where you run into the popular kids that made you feel bad when you were young. Only now you are hot and successful and they are fat losers! Yes, there is a lot of fat phobia in this fantasy. Yes, I am working on unpacking my fat phobia. Yes, I have body issues and low self-esteem, OKAY!? Has everyone but me matured past this fantasy?
As soon as I saw this guy from my past, I immediately thought, “UGH why didn’t I put on any makeup today? And why didn’t I wear something more flattering?” I am in the throws of consuming everything Jessica DeFino has created and it is a mindfuck! She is “anti-big-beauty and pro-skin”. She dismantles why women have a fear of aging and points out that you can often interchange the words “aging” and “fat” in today’s marketing. The messaging is the same. Women can’t be fat or age!!
I’m in this awkward spot where I have seen the other side but I am still holding on to my outdated/toxic thinking. I don’t have the confidence to back up my newfound beliefs but I also want to reject my old way of thinking. I hate shaving so I have stopped but now I don’t allow myself to raise my arms in the air because WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK of the hair that is now growing there? I hate wearing makeup so I have stopped but WHAT IF I RUN INTO PEOPLE I WENT TO MIDDLE SCHOOL WITH? Will they judge me? Will they think I’m ugly? Fat? The more important question is: Why do I value what these random dudes think of me more than what I think of me?
When on mushrooms a few months ago, the recurring theme was “WOW - you live so much of your life for others.” My decisions are made by first considering how it will look to everyone else. I struggle to consider, “How will this decision make me feel?” Often, I ignore this question completely (see this post where I took a job working on a large floor of an office in San Francisco entirely alone and never spoke to another human. I thought this was my dream job!)
Now what? Instead of dwelling on “How did I get here?” I want to focus on “Where do I go from here?” This is where my internal monologue can be a real bitch. She keeps me trapped in the past. You had braces in middle school, don’t you remember? Guess what, I haven’t had braces since I was 13. (Also, big who cares! Everyone had braces in middle school, you tyrant!)
Acting in alignment with new ways of thinking is really HARD. Pausing to consider your decision is hard. But so is being stuck. My phone background is still “Examine your pay-offs in remaining stuck.” Is this still working for me, refusing to grow even though I know my old coping mechanisms no longer serve me?
Non sequitur ending - what Disney character do you identify with? I am Yzma from Emperor’s New Groove (mixed with the squirrel). Sometimes I think my husband is Kronk…
TTFN!
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Negative self-talk is so painful and seemingly impossible to stop. I feel you.
Disney character…depends on the day. Ariel (in the way she loves found objects), Dori (forgets everything) and Rattatoui (sp ? Love of food)