Today I am getting my hair cut for the first time in 13 years. That’s not true. I have gotten my hair cut in the last 13 years but they have always been tepid trims, as I have always been afraid to change my look. Today I am going to ask for a “lob” - a long bob.
The last time I drastically cut my hair was in June 2010. It was the end of my senior year of high school. I chopped off 15 inches and donated it to Locks of Love. I was sick of having long hair. It would get stuck under my armpits when I would toss and turn as I tried to fall asleep at night. It was time for the long hair to go. I had cut it shorter a few times throughout high school but never this short. I had never donated my hair before.
June 2010 was a weird time. I had my first-ever boyfriend, who I had pined for since the middle of junior year. High school was ending. We had decided to break up before we left for college at the end of the summer. We had an expiration date. The energy at school was filled with angst because everyone was about to disperse across the country. Life as we knew it was about to change dramatically. Everyone could sense it but no one knew what to make of this impending change.
What should you do before a big life change, when things feel unsettled? Cut off all of your hair, of course!
I liked my new hair. I think? It was definitely different. It’s hard to remember how I actually felt about the change because since then I have repeatedly told myself such negative things about that decision.
You should never have cut your hair. It made you less pretty. And you are only as valuable as you are pretty. Your boyfriend didn’t think you were as pretty. You didn’t get into the right sorority because you cut off your hair and were NOT PRETTY enough.
This is the story I have told myself since 2013.
I don’t think I came up with the following theory but I uphold its validity and let it take up space in my brain: People with long hair are hiding. People with long BLONDE hair are REALLY hiding that they are ugly.
What would all these women with long, fake blonde hair look like with short brown hair? Would Blake Lively (pre-nose job) be as desirable? I don’t think so!
I hid behind my long hair. With short hair, you can’t hide. This is my face. This is what it looks like. You can’t curl your long hair and pretend that everything is fine. You have to show the world what you look like. Long hair is a distraction. You can’t hide your ugly face if you have short, brown hair.
My friend told me I looked cute. Short hair = cute. Long hair = beautiful. No woman wants to be cute. Every woman wants to be beautiful. Cute is juvenile. Cute is patronizing. Aww that’s cute that you are trying to be attractive! How cute of you to try!
I remember my boyfriend asked why I had cut my hair. Clearly, he hated my haircut. Obviously, he was no longer attracted to me. What had I done?
Styling short hair is also much more difficult than styling short hair. I always assumed less hair = less fuss but no. You can throw your hair up if you have long hair or put it in a braid when you don’t want to deal with it. This will look easy, breezy. You can’t do either of those things with short hair. You will feel like a little pig struggling to fit into a tight dress. You just can’t make it work. Your hair is too short to fit into a ponytail. Stubs of hair are popping out. Juvenile mess.
A few months later, I started college and went through sorority rush. If you ever want to feel the lowest you’ve ever felt about yourself, I recommend trying to join a sorority. I tell myself that I didn’t get into a “good” sorority because of my hair. It couldn’t have possibly been due to my personality! Just kidding, of course, it was my boring personality.
Want to know what I talk about in therapy TODAY? Not being liked and accepted. That is my NUMBER ONE fear. I can’t let it go. Every time I am in a group, I instantly feel like the biggest loser. I still yearn to be accepted, I haven’t changed since I was 18!
Once I was attempting to tell my life story to my husband. I went on and on about how I wasn’t cool in middle school. He asked “Why are you still obsessed with how cool you were in middle school? That is so not relevant to your life story.” I want to believe him and say “You’re right, it’s not relevant!” But sadly, it is still very relevant. I still feel like the chubby girl with braces who no one wanted to dance with. WHY? If my 13-year-old self saw one of our wedding pictures, she would FREAK OUT. She would not believe how hot I am and how hot my husband is. She would be pumped. And yet, why do I still see this girl when I look in the mirror?
I got into a sorority. The 10th coolest sorority (out of 12). So the third worst sorority. Why am I still harping on this? Anyway, even though we were ranked 10/12 by some nasty sorority gossip website, the leaders took recruitment VERY seriously. The girl who was in charge of recruitment would ask all dirty blondes to dye their hair more blonde for rush. I was always vehemently against this suggestion. Dying your hair is fake! I am REAL. I will NEVER dye my hair. This is the way I look! Deal with it!
Funnily enough, one year after I graduated college, I decided to dye my hair blonde and I have dyed it once a year since then (except for in 2020). What changed? One of my friends in AA with plain brown hair got a “color melt” (aka ombre) by a hair stylist who was also in AA and my interest was peaked. What would ombre hair look like on me?
I hate admitting this but turns out, dying your hair blonde is FUN! You feel lighter, brighter, and like an overall more sparkly version of your drab not as blonde self.
Thus, I have maintained long, fake blonde hair for the last 8 years. It ends today! I think I am going to stop dying my hair. I am staunchly opposed to Botox and I put dying your hair blonde in that same category of vanity. It’s all just pandering to the male gaze at the end of the day. I am tired of it! I am tired of shaving my legs! All of it! Hair is not so simple because I hate shaving my legs but I love getting my hair dyed. Why stop doing something you love? Because of your PRINCIPLES, DAMNIT!
At the beginning of the month, I had a revelation. I live so much of my life terrified of what other people will think! WHY? What’s it all for? It’s EXHAUSTING. As I was sobbing and grieving my childhood self and her need to please others instead of herself, my husband rubbed my back and said, “You have a lot of hair.” And I do! I have tons of hair! It’s my shield! I need it to feel beautiful! Without it, what do I have? My face. All I have is my face.
I want to stop hiding. I want to look at myself in the mirror and see who I really am. I am a person who is trying my best. I don’t want to make decisions out of fear anymore. I don’t want to value what others think of me more than what I think of me. If I want a lob, I will get a damn lob! But will it make me less attractive? AHHHH. Will I ever be free?