4. Sink or Swim
When my hero, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, was asked to encapsulate what it means to lead a meaningful life, she said, “To put it simply, it means doing something outside yourself. I tell the law students I address now and then, ‘If you’re going to be a lawyer and just practice your profession, well you have a skill, so you’re very much like a plumber, but if you want to be a true professional, you will do something outside yourself, something to repair tears in your community, something to make life a little better for people less fortunate than you.’ That’s what I think a meaningful life is, one lives not just for oneself, but for one’s community.”
I thought I had a breakthrough. I had figured out what truly matters to me and how I want to spend my time on Earth. I want to help women. I felt reinvigorated about this after reading the memoir, “Between Two Kingdoms,” and hearing about the author’s experience with cancer and fertility (link to my Goodreads review here). The author mentions how she used the company, Fertile Hope, to freeze her eggs. My old neighbor was employee #2 at Fertile Hope. She now works to ensure fertility preservation treatments are covered by insurance for cancer patients. I was reminded of how inspired I am by her and her work.
I decided to apply to work for a local nonprofit in town because I want to help women who are victims of domestic violence. I felt like I had figured it all out! A weight was lifted! I knew what I was MEANT to do. I didn’t really thoroughly inspect the salary portion of the job description. I knew I would take a big pay cut but it would be okay because I would be making a difference! The executive director was recently interviewed on a local podcast I like and it felt serendipitous! She opened by saying “In life, you can either make money or you can make a difference. I chose to make a difference.” YES! I would make a difference!!
The other night, I went back and read the job description more closely, specifically the salary expectations. I immediately started to cry. How could I have been so naive!? What they are offering is NOT a livable wage!!! OMG. What a joke this has all been. I haven’t figured shit out. I have simply figured out what everyone already knows, you can’t work for a non-profit and make money. I knew I wouldn’t make LOTS of money but NO MONEY?!
So now I vacillate back to the other extreme and feel like now I have to focus on applying to remote soul-crushing tech jobs.
I am taking a novel/memoir writing class at the community college near my house. The woman teaching the course has never written a memoir. She writes novels and has structured the class in a way that seems more geared toward novel writing. Two other students are also writing memoirs but they are more biographies focused on their family members, so it feels like I am the true narcissist memoirist. I am certainly the only one writing my memoir as it unfolds. Others are more distanced from the point in their life that they wish to focus on.
It feels a bit indulgent that I am the hero of my own story for all of the writing prompts we are given. When she asks “What does the character learn?” I have to write “Kendall learns grace and self-acceptance.” This feels particularly painful and woo-woo to type out, especially because I clearly haven’t learned these things yet.
During our first class, we focused on answering “Poignant Questions” -
What is the story about in one sentence? Finding a sense of purpose.
What is the central conflict? Identity crisis…The narrator wakes up one day and realizes she has been living her life for others…has no idea who she is, and who she wants to be…she quits her corporate job and tries to figure out how to live a more authentic life…
What is at stake? Money, ego…the expectations of others.
Who is the protagonist? Me…
What do they want? A meaningful life.
How do they grow/fail to grow? Learn who they are, what they value…how to let go of what others think
I shared this basic outline with the class and felt very vulnerable. The instructor said she’d like to read the book because it sounds like “Eat, Pray, Love.” I was very offended. So much so, that I went back and tried to re-read that insipid book to see if she was right.
Oy! It’s a DNF (did not finish) for me! This woman just follows men!! My life is nothing like hers! UGH. Why did she get divorced? I don’t give a shit about her travels. I want to know why her life fell apart. I went down a rabbit hole reading reviews and realized that she was a magazine writer who pitched her travels as a book concept and got paid to embark on her journeys! So there was actually nothing risky or brave about her decisions!
ANYWAY…We had our second meeting last night where we focused on plot. We were given a writing prompt and were asked to describe the pre-climactic moment, the moment of truth, the climactic moment, and the immediate results. This is what I came up with:
- Pre-climactic moment: After realizing that she wants to commit to a life of service, Kendall realizes that her “dream job” pays absolutely nothing and she feels crestfallen because she cannot live off of this salary.
- Moment of truth: Her first instinct is to go back to working remotely for a tech company, even though her gut is screaming out that she wants more out of life.
- Climactic moment: Shrink or grow Kendall!! Finding the courage to do the thing they’ve been avoiding. To face something or resolve something. She decides that she is “worth” investing in and decides to get her masters in counseling and help others…??
- Immediate results: ???
I realized that I am at the “sink or swim” moment of the story, where I choose to either “slay the dragon” or “shrink away in defeat.” The hero never shrinks! No one wants to read that book!
I have never wanted to be a therapist before. I know deep down that going back to school is a decision that is still fear disguised as courage. I can tell myself that it would be noble but really the security of knowing that I’d have to commit to a graduate program is kind of cheating. I am not truly looking at myself and deciding what I want to do. I am simply hiding behind more titles and certifications instead of taking action.
All of my options seem black or white. I know this is a cognitive distortion but it feels like I can either be a cog in the corporate machine or I can try to be a content creator/influencer. Both of those options make my body recoil. I suppose the third option is to start my own business but doing what!?
I know life is a process and I will never reach the summit. I will never have life “figured out.” But deciding to apply to work for a nonprofit had temporarily quieted the roaring mental anguish in my brain. It felt like the blaring music had been turned down to a manageable level. All was well. I had a direction! I had a focus! Now I feel like I am back at square one. Still a lost little bird. Nothing has been accomplished.
Maybe I will always feel like a lost little bird and I just need to learn to accept that this is a part of life. I have a letter board that I update with a new quote at the start of every month. For April I chose: “Understand that WHAT must come before the HOW. First, choose WHAT you would do. The HOW usually falls into place of itself.” ― Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way
I will keep trying to focus on the “what” and not get bogged down on the “how.” I know I am getting closer and for today, that’s enough.
Tags - Fear, Inspiration, Work, Writing